Pulled down by the undertow
Staring up at the sun
Unattainable
Sinking fast
Tired of the fight
Can’t keep my head above the water
Current moving down
Way too fast
The salt on my cheeks
Can’t look up up
Overwhelmed by the tide
Way too fast
Drowning in my tears
Can’t breathe
Can’t see beyond the blood
Life drags by
Way too fast
I’m so tired of fighting. Of waking up every day to the same struggle. Of never seeing the Light, only shades of gray.
Clawing my way out
Through the Fog
The Darkness
Seeking exit from The Abyss
Entry to The Pit
A lesser evil
A lesser Darkness
Seeking the Light
No more
A fairytale
Told to children
Still full of Hope
The only hope
Is for a lesser shade
Of black
Existence just
Interminable shades of gray fog
The only colours play
In dreams
Of a tomorrow
That won’t come
Life finally settled into a rhythm. Depressed but surviving. Suicidal ideation just a constant companion, no longer a siren song to be fought with every breath. And then, from out of no where more Flashbacks. Vivid. Flashback doesn’t cover the re-creation my mind puts me through. I can feel his body pinning mine, his hand around my neck, squeezing until I lost consciousness. And coming to only to realize he hadn’t missed a beat.
October 30th. Coming up fast. And the body realizes it. The subconscious mind knows it. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Yes, I survived the reality of it. But reliving it night after night. It wears after a while. My life was a living nightmare after. I don’t want to experience that horror day and night again.
The self harm calls strong. The alcohol and the razors. To numb the pain or watch it bleed out. To surrender to the forces of Darkness and have a moments respite.
Damn my contract for survival and the fact that my word is the only thing I set of myself as having value. Though I’m sure that I could loophole the getting drunk. No I can’t. I’d know my intent, and that’s all that really matters.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Frustration
Irritation
No pain
To release it
Sadness
Anger
No pain
To release it
No rivulets of
Pain
Beautiful shades
Of crimson
Calming
The fear
The melancholic despair
Living in Pain
With no pain
To release it
Everytime it seems things are finally getting under control, The Darkness calls. It beckons seductively with words like freedom and painless and peace.
Because it is part of me, it knows me well. Knows the words to say to sway me over. Knows what feelings to evoke. It is me and I am it. It is never far, The Darkness, with its words of comfort and escape. Seductive in its power, calling from the inside out, deeper than any union of flesh could be.
Softly, gently
Like a lover who knows you well
Your tender places
The things that make you weak
A practiced touch
That brings you to your knees
In exquisite agony
Descent Rising 