So after months of being one hundred types of depressed and anxious, the past three days have been a glory of the joy of the mixed state. Hyper and depressed at the same time. It is a weird place to be and feels dangerous. I hope it passes soon into a full blown hypomanic phase; I could use some feel good time.
But that brings up an interesting point: I tend to want to deal with the upswings the way I deal with the down swings: by self harm. A little while ago, I was forced to look my self harm in the eye with a contract that my trauma therapist had me sign. And since I’m working hard at getting better, I decided to inventory all the ways I self harm. I mean, there’s the obvious types, the drunken bouts, the cutting, the casual sexual encounters, but there’s so many subtle ones, insidious in their perfidy.
I came to a semi lucid conclusion that I react to both the highs and lows the same way because the same emotions underlie both states, Pain being first and foremost.
And that is a hard admission for me to make. I don’t like owning my emotions. Hell, I don’t like admitting that I even have emotions. I’d love to be an emotionless android, but such are daydreams of childhood.